I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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