Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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