All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
