You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
