I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
