Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
