I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
