Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
How naked do you want me to be?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
