dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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