"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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