So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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