plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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