just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I looked at my own cervix.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
