I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
