FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
