This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize