Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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