Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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