dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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