I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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