i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
