and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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