I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
