i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"