haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.