Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
