I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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