they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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