my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
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