I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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