Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
