I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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