seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
