I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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