You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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