Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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