he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
