When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
