he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
