How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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