i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
