I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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