I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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