it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
