you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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