I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Buhtt sex?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
