someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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