I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
