My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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