I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
