She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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