New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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