If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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