My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I forget how to act sober
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
