You just made me feel so damn special
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
