somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
