this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want is dick and wine.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
