Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
