If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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