During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
